I recently sat down with Eunice Avuncularo, the self proclaimed spearhead for PETA’s boycott of the NFL’s Playoff season and the upcoming Super Bowl on February 1st, featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers and, in part, the source of PETA’s ire: the Arizona Cardinals.

“The amount of both blatant and latent animal abuse in professional sports is appalling”, Eunice begins immediately over her soy latte. “This is America’s quiet shame”, she continues. “The idea of the ‘mascot’ is simply a euphemism for the machismo need to subjugate the completely innocent members of the animal kingdom.”

Her assertion is difficult to refute. Following the NFL Playoff schedule, 3 out of 4 teams going into the Conference games were aviary themed: the Philadelphia Eagles, the Baltimore Ravens, and the NFC Champions, the Arizona Cardinals. And half of those were given the boot for the final round.

“Let’s forget Michael Vick. The very name of the franchise ‘Atlanta Falcons’ bespeaks a mentality behooved to a primitive, backwards society. We need to move forward. What a terrible week for animal lovers,” she emphasizes by pounding on the table. “All those birds. . .”, she tears up, “symbolically battered by the so called championship games this past weekend.”

Abuse to birds is well documented. We, as Americans and NFL fans, are well adjusted to the continued figurative violence done to our ornithological friends. And yet, I am compelled to ask Mizz Avuncularo what the alternatives might be? If we are to forsake the long honored tradition of naming our professional sports teams after seemingly innocuous animals, what naming convention should we turn to?

Eunice is more than happy for the opportunity to answer this question. She is, in fact, salivating for it.

“I’m glad you asked me that,” she says, and sits up a little straighter.

“I believe the NFL is the perfect forum to take our fight to the people. I am a strong proponent of PETA’s Animals First agenda.” She defiantly flips her striped synthetic wool scarf over her shoulder at this point, despite southern California’s 65+ degree temperature, and continues, “This was first introduced by PETA’s own Amy Manheim, and I want to make sure she gets credit.”

“Her agenda entails a complete move away from animal mascot names, as this simply exacerbates the outdated male attitude of ‘homo sapiens first’. We at PETA want a more modern take on professional sports and we think names that reflect modern attitudes should prevail.”

When I ask for specific examples, I am met with steely (forgive the pun) resolve.

“I, and the majority of PETA members, think the following examples exemplify the kind of attitude the NFL should take,” and here she begins ticking off fingers, smiling to herself as she recites the following:

“The Chicago Desk Chairs, the Arizona Sandbox, the Philadelphia Ceiling Tiles, the Baltimore Happiness,  the Atlanta Closure, the Detroit Freedom for Free Range Beef, the Denver Positivity, the St. Louis Lifetime, the Tampa Bay Milk, the Dallas Therapy Session, and,” she smiles coyly, “. . . the New England Wheat Grass.”

“I came up with that one myself.”